Paranormal Shopping Network

Blood Bound by Patricia Briggs

Mercy Thompson is a mechanic by day and a coyote-shapeshifter pretty much whenever she wants to be. Raised by werewolves and neighbor to the local pack’s alpha, she can’t help getting involved in paranormal politics. Particularly when they’re all threatened by something no one’s seen before – a vampire possessed by a demon (yeah, we did a double-take, too).

This thrilling ride is the second in Patricia Briggs’ well-crafted series. (The first, Moon Called, focused on werewolves and we’re not sure they exist, so we’re starting here instead.)

More in the series
Moon Called (book 1)
Iron Kissed (book 3)
Bone Crossed (book 4)
Silver Borne (book 5)
River Marked (book 6)
Frost Burned (book 7)
Night Broken (book 8)

First Grave on the Right by Darynda Jones

Darynda Jones’s debut novel is a delightful blend of chick-lit, paranormal romance, and murder mystery. Charlotte “Charley” Davidson is a grim reaper, and even she doesn’t really know what that means. But she sees dead people, talks to them, and uses that ability to help her detective uncle solve murders. Such as three attorneys who were all killed in one evening.

Oh, and did we mention the amorous dreams she’s been having? No? Well, you’ll just have to read the book to find out who that particular Entity happens to be.

More in the series
Second Grave on the Left
Third Grave Dead Ahead
Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet
Fifth Grave Past the Light
Sixth Grave on the Edge
Seventh Grave and No Body
Eighth Grave After Dark
The Dirt on the Ninth Grave
The Curse of the Tenth Grave

Dear Abigail,

Is it possible to prevent a ghost from finding or possessing you?

Sincerely,
Stalked in Sacramento

Dear Stalked,

It’s unusual, but not unheard of, for a ghost to stalk someone without good reason. So as a first step, try resolving any unfinished business that you have with the undead.

Barring that, Dr Geist, founder of GeistCo, believes that ghosts use the electrical fields surrounding living creatures to find and possess them. The use of strong magnets may serve as a deterrent.

Best of luck,

Phantom Effect by Michael Aronovitz

If you’ve watched this month’s webisode about the Ghostly Positioning & Possession Service, you’ll know that we like a good tale of ghostly (or is it ghastly?) revenge. So we enjoyed rooting for Marissa Madison, the latest target of serial killer Jonathan Martin Delaware Deseronto. Marissa was a powerful psychic in life, and in death she uses her abilities to force Deseronto to face not only her past, but his own.

Not for the faint of heart, this psychological horror alternates between Deseronto’s first person and Madison’s third person points of view, building to a climax that weaves seemingly unrelated subplots into a spectacular, and surprising, finale.

Dear Abigail,

I’ve been getting death threats lately. Or maybe they’re undeath threats? In either case, can a vampire become a ghost?

Sincerely,
Afraid to die (for real)

Dear Afraid,

Ghosts are the remnants of souls of those who have passed on. Sadly, since vampires don’t have souls, there’s no way for you to become a ghost. Hopefully the threats you’ve been receiving are just that, but to be on the safe side, please contact the appropriate authorities. In particulary, the Constabularius Corpus should be able to help.

Stay safe,

Dear Abigail,

Can animals become zombies?

Sincerely,
Worried about my pets

Dear Worried,

The nanovirus that started the zombie plague only affects humans, so your pets are safe! But please follow basic safety guidelines so that you don’t catch the disease. Pets don’t like the undead, and you would struggle to care for them as a zombie.

Your fellow animal lover,

Rot & Ruin by Jonathan Maberry

In our universe, all zombies can be domesticated. Not every world is built that way. So we appreciate finding a book that recognizes that zombies at least used to be people.

Ben Imura can’t remember a time before the zombie apocalypse. Now, he’s 15 and has to get a job. When nothing else works out, he apprentices to his older brother Tom, a renowned zombie bounty hunter. Initially excited about killing “zoms”, Ben soon learns there are greater horrors beyond the town fence, and that zombies may not be the monsters he thought they were.

The full series:

• Rot & Ruin (2010)
• Dust & Decay (2012)
• Flesh & Bone (2013)
• Fire & Ash (2014)
• Bits & Pieces (2015)

SEATTLE, WA, UNITED STATES, May 9, 2016 — May is Zombie Awareness Month, and the Paranormal Shopping Network is all in! The web series opened its first season on April 7 with an ad for Christie’s Cranial Delights, which offers lab-grown, mail-order brains for domesticated zombies. And to celebrate the month, the PSN is hosting a zombie adoption event through its Facebook page. Don’t worry: the brains are fiction, and the zombies that will be “adopted” are actually hand-stitched rag dolls.

The web series takes a unique position on zombie-dom, claiming that all zombies can, in fact, be domesticated if cared for properly. “If a loved one were to become a zombie, we believe most people would choose to care for him or her, as long as it’s possible to do so safely,” says writer/producer K Bethany Sawyer. The Paranormal Shopping Network is designed around fictional products that would support such care, as well as products for other supernatural creatures.

The PSN’s next episode launched today and is an ad for Transylvanian Breath Mints, geared toward vampires who want to hide their blood breath from unsuspecting victims. “This episode doesn’t feature zombies, but attentive viewers will notice tie-ins to the first episode,” Sawyer explains. Additionally, the PSN’s fictional blog, “Dear Abigail”—written by the fictional character Abbi Normal—will feature zombie-themed questions, such as whether or not someone is free to date if their spouse has become a zombie.

A guide to zombie care, including advice on diet, hygiene, and exercise for a domesticated zombie, is made available to anyone who subscribes to the PSN’s monthly newsletter. A subscription form is located online at www.paranormalshoppingnetwork.com.

The series is directed by Kent, Wash., resident Micaela Colman and stars local actors Lucy Pearce, Greg Gutshall Jr., John Hambrick, and Emily Fortuna. Filming was completed last summer in Kent, Seattle, and Bothell. The season finale will be released on June 7.

About Paranormal Shopping Network
The Paranormal Shopping Network is a fan-funded satirical web series that provides a unique perspective on American culture and consumerism. Its first season consists of three commercials of fictional products for zombies, vampires, and ghosts. For more information, visit www.paranormalshoppingnetwork.com.

Dear Abigail,

If your spouse becomes a zombie and is legally dead, does dating someone else count as cheating or adultery?

Just wondering (really!),
Curious Citizen

Dear Curious,

Legally, you are widowed and can date pretty much anyone. Morally, the jury is still out. Clergy of most religions could argue endlessly on this subject, but generally, the more conservative the faith, the more likely they are to frown upon dating someone new. Conversation and friendship are completely acceptable, though.

Not justifying anything,

Dear Abigail,

How can Christie’s Cranial Delights be both lab-grown and non-GMO? That seems like a contradiction.

Sincerely,
Skeptical Susan

Dear Susan,

GMOs are manufactured to grow in extreme climates and to withstand pesticides. They’re usually grown in a field. Lab-grown means that the product was manufactured in a laboratory environment. Genetic modification is not required to grow tissue in a lab.

Christie’s has informed me that they use a combination of stem-cell technology and 3D printing to create their brains, and that the genome has not been altered in any way.

I hope this helps!

An Unattractive Vampire by Jim McDoniel

You may have noticed the sparkly vampire delivering Christie’s Cranial Delights in our first episode. Well, you’ll be seeing more of him next month, but in the meantime, we thought you’d enjoy this fun tale from novelist Jim McDoniel.

When thousand-year-old Yulric Bile wakes after a three hundred year slumber, he’s surprised to learn that modern vampires are young, sexy, and, worst of all, sparkly. He sets out on a quest to find out just what caused vampires to become “good”, and all sorts of hilarious adventures ensue.

Our twitter interview with the author is archived on Storify!

Dear Abigail,

I’ve been seeing this human for a while now, but every time I drink her blood – no matter how much – my hands and feet turn blue. If I keep drinking, it spreads up my arms and legs. What’s happening?

Starting to worry,
Blue Blood Blues

Dear Blue,

First off, ask your human friend to find out if she’s anemic. If that doesn’t take care of the problem, then you might be experiencing an allergic reaction to your new friend’s blood. Currently, there are no products that treat vampiric allergies, but a thanatologist can help you figure out the best solution. Best of luck!

Keep drinking safely,

Dear Abigail,

I’m looking for a nice gift for my guardian angel, who’s been working really hard lately. But I can’t find anything. Why doesn’t the Paranormal Shopping Network advertise products for angels?

Thanks for your help,
Allied with Angels

Dear Allied,

Angels aren’t big consumers, unless they’re purchasing gifts for a non-angel. So there just isn’t a big enough market to support the infrastructure needed for angelic products. You could consider some service-based gifts, such as halo polishing or a wing massage. There are charitable boutiques that specialize in these services for angels, and making a donation to one of them will be sure to please your guardian.

Sincerely,

Troll: A Love Story by Johanna Sinisalo

We don’t have trolls in our world (if we did, we’d be parodying Donald Trump), but this fantastical novel by Johanna Sinisalo, translated from the original Finnish by Herbert Lomas, is a touching tale of society’s outcasts and fringe citizens who find comfort in each other.

Prepare to have your heartstrings yanked as Angel rescues a troll cub from a group of drunk teenagers, without realizing just what impact this little guy might have on him and his life. What is the difference between human and animal? Perhaps Angel and his troll will find out.

Dear Abigail,

I’m recently deceased and can’t stand the clothes I’m stuck in. Honestly, if I’d known I was going to die that day, I’d have worn something else! My hair sucks, too. Is there anything or anyone out there that can help me?

Need it badly,
Grungy Ghost

Dear Grungy,

You’re in luck! GeistCo recently released the app GhostLet, which allows ghosts to refresh their outfits as often as they like. It comes pre-loaded with several outfits, but you can buy more. New styles are added daily.

Not sure what we can do about the hairdo. I’ll reach out to Dr. Geist to see if her team has anything in the works. If not, it’s a great suggestion!

Send pictures of your new look!

Dear Abigail,

Recently, my husband’s mother became a zombie and had to move in with us. I don’t mind too much, as there’s a daycare nearby and we can afford the premium mail-order brains that keep her appetite in check. What’s really getting to me is the smell. Every time I come home, I want to retch. Do you have anything that can help?

Sincerely,
Nostrally Nauseous

Dear Nauseous,

Kudos to you for taking care of your mother-in-law during this trying time. The scientists at PSN are working hard to find a cure for zombie-ism. Until they do, try Christie’s Candles. They’re specially formulated to rid your home of the undead aroma, and come in refreshing mint, lemon or lavender scents as well!

Aromatically yours,

Dear Abigail,

I just moved to southern California from Seattle, and all the sunlight makes me sparkle like crazy. It’s really cramping my style. And I don’t want the girls to know I’m a vampire. Is there anything out there that can tone down the glitter?

Lurking in shadows,
Glitterglum in LA

Dear Glitterglum,

You should be proud of your glitter, and sparkling will actually help you blend in in Tinsel Town.  But if you’re really worried about it, try Matte Finish Sunscreen, from Fangceuticalz. They have a full product line dedicated to vampires who prefer a toned-down look.

Lots of Love,

Dear Abigail,

Are werewolves real?

Sincerely,
Wolf Moon Believer

Dear Believer,

I have yet to meet anyone who claimed to be a werewolf. I also haven’t seen a human transform into a wolf, or vice versa. But I have seen designs for a stretchable, tear-resistant, stain-resistant clothing line that can “change with you.”  So . . . perhaps there is some truth behind the stories.

Waiting for proof,

Dear Abigail,

I died several years ago and have been haunting my old home since then. There haven’t been any jobs around here, so the human population was shrinking. But I guess the economy is picking up, and lately there have been lots of people stomping through my house – and one of them is definitely a realtor! Please tell me you have something to help. I really don’t want to be evicted.

Sincerely,
Desperate in Detroit

Dear Desperate,

I’ve forwarded your contact information to the R&D department at GeistCo. You might be eligible to help them test some new human-repellant products. The details are classified, but I’ve heard rumors that this program may make your house more attractive to cats. I hope you’re not allergic!

Lots of Love,